The Game Trust at E3

Dear Sony,

Hello!

Thank you for inviting us to your press conference at the famous Shrine Auditorium yesterday on the USC campus.

We regret to inform you than instead of attending your press conference, we wish that we had spent our time in more productive ways, like taking a few calls from telemarketers, or maybe reading a book titled The History of Puke.

We arrived at the Shrine in a very hopeful mood thanks to Nintendo’s early morning debacle. You gave us nice drinks and nice sandwiches. You sat us down. You lowered the lights. And then you proceeded to somehow make the medium of videogames somehow seem about as exciting as buying stamps.

And this was your big chance, too! Nintendo’s stumbling, fumbling debacle was the equivalent of having Carrot Top be your opening act.

And you blew it anyway.

Jack Tretton really seems like a very nice man. But after listening to him say the words “HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE” for the 18th time in the unhappiest voice we’ve ever heard, and after looking at the flop-sweat bead up on his brow for nearly two hours, we really, really, really began to miss the glory days of Phil “The Giant” Harrison.

The sole bright spots: that giant boss from Resistance 2 and the announcement that we’ll be able to play a new Ratchet & Clank in bite-sized, lower-priced episodes.

Thank the stars for Ted Price. Sony: Whatever you are paying him and Insomniac, double it. Hell, triple it. We’ve enclosed a couple dollars in the envelope along with a coupon good for one sandwich and drink in any Rochester-area Arby’s. Please give these things to Ted for us. He deserves it.

The press conference briefly showed a pulse again during Jim Lee’s presentation of the DC Comics MMO and during Sucker Punch’s Infamous demo.

Oh, and LittleBigPlanet looks very fun and awesome, but the game is really becoming a bit of a cocktease. Please stop talking about it, and let us play it.

But aside from these exceptions, your press conference was a long, morbid, overly garish affair that tried desperately to overwhelm us with banks of flickering Bravias and neon, but was ultimately very light on heart and humanity, and oddly enough, your trademark ballsy confidence.

We also saw something that we don’t think we’ve ever seen at an E3 press conference before: walk outs. People were ducking out early, heads down, and heading for the exits. By the time the lights came up at the end, there were more than a few empty seats in our vicinity.

What drove them off? Could be the neverending chatter about the PS2. Or perhaps it was Home, the dullest virtual world we’ve ever seen. (As one of our colleagues succinctly puts it: “Home: A great place to commit suicide.”)

That glimpse of God of War 3? Too little. Too unsatisfying. Would it have killed you to show 15 seconds of actual gameplay? Because we really would have enjoyed seeing gameplay. And Massive Action Game, a.k.a. MAG? Dumb name. Novel idea. Still, it’s not the sort of IP that’s even close to being qualified to close the show at a Sony presser.

You’re Sony, for chrissakes. Stand tall, be counted, and start acting like Sony again. Don’t make us take one glove off and use it to slap you across the face. Because we totally will.

One more thing: We have enclosed a handkerchief that Jack can use to wipe his brow at all future press conferences.

With love,

Uncle Crispy, PhD

Tags: E3, Killzone 2, Press Conference, Resistance 2, Sony