The Game Trust at E3

Whenever my mother wanted me to take a pill—I was a very sickly child, always in need of pills and shots and heating pads–she’d attempt to hide it inside some apple sauce.

Which is basically what Microsoft tried to do Monday morning at their press conference.

They opened with Fallout 3. They closed with Final “Is It A Man Or Is It A Woman” Fantasy XIII. But afterwards, I exited the West Hall with an oddly bitter taste in my mouth.

And in between? There was a bunch of stuff that was a bit tougher to swallow.

Here’s everything you need to know, in 30 seconds or less (or more, if you’re a slow reader or maybe covering one of your eyes while reading at the same time), starting…NOW.

-Fallout 3 looks promising—mix humor and gore; I’m there—and while I admire the producer’s ambition, the promised “hundred hours of gameplay” seems ridiculously excessive. I’ve got lawns to rake and teeth to floss, people! I don’t have a hundred hours!

-Fable 2 opens with a bird swooping through a huge kingdom, and ends with said bird literally pooping on the game’s protagonist. Seriously, the poop falls in slow motion and lands on his head. (Poop References In My E3 Posts: Now up to three.)

-Gears of War 2 looks far better than I thought it would. Though I still wish the world that Marcus Fenix and Co. exist in had more personality and gravitas. Regardless…I want to play this game. Like, now. Please? Thank you.

-That’s A Bold Statement Award: Microsoft announced that they will absolutely sell more consoles this generation than the PS3 will. I admire the confidence, but there’s a strong chance you guys will have to eat a big plate of crow on this one down the line.

-Things begin to take a turn once Microsoft announces the 360’s software upgrade, dashboard redesign, and the addition of Fake Miis. Er, I mean Avatars. Way to be original, guys.

-Your Fake Miis can participate in what Microsoft is calling “Live Parties.” That means you and your friends, or total strangers, can get together for a rousing game of Uno. Or a virtual version of the game show 1 Vs. 100. Or you can all virtually watch movies together, now that Microsoft has a partnership with Netflix. Press conference…losing…momentum. Must…regain…somehow…

-Geometry Wars 2. Galaga Legions. And a sequel to Portal (called, appropriately enough, Still Alive.) Momentum regained. Boredom fading. Press conference stabilized.

-Banjo-Kazooie 2 looks like it might represent the long-awaited return to Rare’s glory days. But we’re not handing out any superlatives just yet…

-Lips, a.k.a. Fake SingStar seems like another lackluster karaoke knock-off but with sparkling microphones, but singer Duffy suddenly appears, in a bid to make us forget that this is a karaoke knock-off with sparkly microphones.

-Alex Rigopulos, a.k.a. Mr. Harmonix/Mr. Rock Band appears on stage to talk Rock Band 2. The crowd squeals even louder for Alex than they did for Duffy. Alex: That pair of Hanes tossed on the stage? They’re from me.

-Finally, the presser closes with Square-Enix announcing that they’re making the jump to the 360. Woot for Japanese R.P.G. fans. One of the three announced titles makes me laugh: Infinite Undiscovery. Who knows, maybe it makes more sense in Japanese…

The Uncle Crispy Report Card:
Running Time: 1 hour, 29 minutes.
Good: Well paced. Sequel to Portal = yay. Gears 2 looking better than I thought it would,
Bad: Fake Miis. Too much casual stuff. Unnecessary statement about beating Sony can only bite MS in the ass. That set-top box your mom warned you about? The 360 is getting scarily close to being exactly that.
Goofs: The Gears 2 sudden fade-to-black. Without missing a beat, the tech wizards switched over to the back up de-bug. Disaster averted. All was well.
Grade: B

Tags: Avatars, E3, E3 08, E3 2008, Fable 2, Final Fantasy XIII, Gears of War 2, Harmonix, Rock Band 2, Square Enix, Xbox Live